God as an Attachment Figure
How do you perceive your relationship with God? Do you turn to God in moments of distress? Do you take risks knowing that your relationship with God is something you can always come back to?
As humans, we are wired for social connection. As infants, we can’t survive without it. Attachment theory, which was first developed by John Bowlby, is one of the most comprehensive and scientifically supported theories of human connection. When we discuss attachment theory, we typically conceptualize it as a theory of interpersonal relationships: one between infant and caregiver or one between romantic partners. However, what if we applied this theory to our relationship with the Divine?
Attachment Theory Overview
According to John Bowlby, humans are born with an innate attachment behavioral system. This system enables infants to seek proximity to those who can meet their physical needs for food and safety as well as their psychological needs such as emotional attunement, responsiveness, and physical touch. Because infants are unable to regulate their own emotions, in times of discomfort or distress, they utilize proximity-seeking behaviors such as crying to gain the attention of their caregiver and ultimately restore their sense of safety and comfort. Infants look for accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement from their caregivers. While the attachment relationship between child and caregiver is important throughout the child’s life, the crucial period of bond formation is within the first two years of life. When a child grows into an adult, assuming the adult pursues a romantic relationship, the primary attachment figure shifts from caregiver(s) to romantic partner.
Throughout time, attachment theorists and other researchers have referred to four distinct attachment styles children can develop as a result of their early childhood experiences: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. These attachment styles translate into the following adult attachment styles respectively: secure, dismissive, preoccupied, and fearful-avoidant. Currently, attachment style is conceptualized as differing on spectrums of anxiety and avoidance. See below for the two-dimensional model, as laid out by Jessica Fern in the book Polysecure:
When caregivers are attuned and respond sensitively to cues from their children most of the time, children develop positive internal working models of self and others and view their primary attachment figure as a safe haven to turn to in times of distress and a secure base from which they can explore and take risks in the world. These children are described as having secure attachment. Other attributes associated with secure attachment include higher self-esteem, higher resilience in the face of trauma, strong social skills, better concentration, and positive overall emotional health.
On the flip side, if caregivers aren’t responsive or emotionally attuned in the interactions with their children, insecure attachment can develop. As mentioned previously, insecure attachment can take on three different styles: avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. Children with an avoidant attachment style had interactions with their parent(s) that were unavailable, unresponsive, rejecting and/or mis-attuned. Without corrective experiences, these children grow into adults who are highly independent and uncomfortable with intimacy. Children with an anxious attachment style had interactions with their parent(s) that were inconsistent and/or intrusive. Additionally, parents may have been so preoccupied with their own needs that they neglected their children’s needs. Without corrective experiences, these children grow into adults who are unable to trust others and constantly seek validation and reassurance. Lastly, children with a disorganized attachment style likely experienced trauma and abuse. Parental interactions were likely frightening, threatening, and/or disorienting. Without corrective experiences, these children grow into adults who have conflicting desires of wanting to be close to others but fearing that very closeness.
Before moving onto applying attachment theory to religion, I want to emphasize that attachment styles can change! When we engage in experiences and relationships that are healthy and emotionally attuned, we can develop earned secure attachment. This can happen through intimate relationships, friendships, or therapeutic relationships. If you’re curious to know what your attachment style might be, you can take the following assessment (Survey Option B): Attachment Styles and Close Relationships.
Attachment Theory and Religion
Now that we’ve learned how attachment theory provides a comprehensive developmental perspective on human psychosocial growth, how can we apply this to religion and our relationship with God? To date, there have been numerous studies conducted on attachment theory and religion. Cherniak et al. (2021) highlight some interesting findings from these studies[i]:
A believer’s relationship with God can be conceptualized as an attachment bond and God is often perceived as a powerful source of support (i.e., safe haven and secure base)
Children with secure attachment showed greater increases in closeness to God and access to God concepts following primers of threat
Individuals who have a secure attachment to God are more likely to explore other beliefs and ideologies while remaining firm in their own religious beliefs
Adult secure attachment to their primary caregiver(s) is linked to positive, benevolent, and coherent representations (i.e., internal working models) of God
Secure attachment to God has been found to predict increases in self-esteem and optimism over time
Secure attachment to God has predicted mental health above and beyond intrinsic religiosity, social support, or interpersonal attachment styles
Specific to Islam, the Qur’an contains several verses that support the notion of an attachment bond with God:
And He is with you wherever you are. (57:4)
And We are nearer to such a person than you, but you cannot see. (56:85)
We are closer to them than their jugular vein. (50:16)
So wherever you [might] turn, there is the Face of Allah. (2:115)
These verses emphasize that God is always with us. He is there when you succeed and when you fail. He is there when you sin and when you repent. He is there through all of the ups and downs of this life. In A. Helwa’s spiritually magnificent book Secrets of Divine Love, she states, “In a world that is constantly changing, it is comforting to know that our God is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow.” In other words, God is a reliable base that we can depend on and turn to. Furthermore, as Omar Suleiman points out in his book Allah Loves…, we should strive to pursue Allah’s love and meet him in that state of love. This combination of security, reliability, safety, and love is the perfect set of ingredients for strengthening our attachment bond and relationship with the Divine. A perceived secure attachment bond with the Divine can have numerous psychological and spiritual benefits. In times of distress, we can turn to God as our safe haven to help regulate our emotions (e.g., through prayer) and provide a sense of calm. Furthermore, as we strengthen our relationship to God, we can view our relationship as a secure base from which we can explore the world. When we are confident that our relationship with God is something we can rely on, we can safely engage with and accept others who are different from us without losing our religious and/or spiritual identity.
In order to emphasize this concept of a secure attachment bond with God, I’m going to repeat the same questions that I listed in the beginning of this post. How do you perceive your relationship with God? Do you turn to God in moments of distress? Do you take risks knowing that your relationship with God is something you can always come back to? Growing up in an environment where adults took a fear-based approach when teaching about God, my relationship with the Divine has been a work in progress. Through unlearning and relearning, I’ve been able to conceptualize God as a source of comfort, relief, and security. When we consciously revise our internal working model of the Divine in a more positive light, powerful changes can occur.
I hope this post provided you with a new way to look at your relationship with not only the Divine but other significant attachment figures in your life. It’s okay to rely on others for safety and support; we are wired to do so.
Recommended Reading
Secrets of Divine Love by A. Helwa
Allah Loves by Omar Suleiman
References
[i] Cherniak, A. D., Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Granqvist, P. (2021). Attachment theory and religion. Current Opinion in Psychology, 40, 126–130. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.08.020
