Why We Need Boundaries
Source: Yahoo!
“Boundaries” has been a hot topic as of late. As a society, we’re starting to see athletes uphold their boundaries like we’ve never seen before. Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles are two examples of female athletes who have courageously prioritized their own well-being over the expectations of everyone else. This post is to remind us that athletes aren’t the only people who deserve to prioritize their mental health; we do too!
In the following sections, I’ll define boundaries, debunk some myths surrounding boundaries, discuss how to successfully implement one, and provide evidence for the importance of boundaries from an Islamic perspective. My inspiration behind boundary work comes from the book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants a more in-depth exploration of boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
What are boundaries and why do we need to set them? Setting boundaries is a healthy way to communicate our needs to others to maintain our sense of self while simultaneously connecting with others. Without boundaries, we risk overexerting ourselves and being taken advantage of. On the flip side, if our boundaries are too rigid, we risk keeping others at a distance.
Healthy, porous and rigid boundaries, adapted by Jessica Fern (author of Polysecure) from Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Solomon
Ideally, boundaries are balanced and communicated in an assertive way. Assertive communication involves communicating your own needs while being respectful of the other person’s needs as well. It also involves stating your needs concisely, directly, and clearly, leaving little to no room for interpretation.
How To Set a Boundary
Communicating a boundary is easier said than done. Just tell people what you need – no big deal, right? Unfortunately, setting and communicating a boundary can be much harder than it seems for many reasons. One significant contributing factor is childhood experiences. Were healthy boundaries modeled for you in childhood? Were your own boundaries honored in childhood? I would take a guess that most people would answer “no” to these questions. Up until recently, personal boundaries were not prioritized; you did what you were told so others wouldn’t be disappointed. Now that the conversation is changing, we may desire to set boundaries but understandably not know how.
According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, there are three essential steps to setting a boundary:
Be as clear and as straightforward as possible while utilizing an assertive tone.
When using assertive communication, a person advocates for their own needs while listening to and respecting others. An important element here is having confidence in the boundary that you are setting. If you are wishy washy or unsure of the boundary you are setting, it may be better to examine that uncertainty a bit further until you can confidently stand behind your boundary.
Directly state your need or request and identify your expectations. Additionally, saying "no" is an option here.
When setting a boundary, it’s important to be clear about your need and what you expect. Often, we expect that the other person just “knows” what we’re alluding to. Even if it is uncomfortable, it’s vital to not assume the other person knows what you need. Furthermore, if someone makes a request of you, saying “no” is another way of setting a boundary.
Effectively cope with the discomfort that may arise after setting the boundary.
A big deterrent to setting boundaries is the discomfort that arises when we consider setting a boundary and when we set a boundary. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to rid ourselves of that discomfort. Some feelings that may arise include guilt, fear, sadness, remorse, and awkwardness. Here is where having confidence in your boundary can help mitigate the discomfort. If you don’t truly believe in your boundary, these feelings can overwhelm you to a point where you may go back on your boundary. It’s important to think through the boundary you’re setting and have a plan in place to deal with the discomfort.
Here are some helpful reminders when you are dealing with discomfort:
Healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships
Other people benefit from and may take advantage of you not having boundaries
Other people have boundaries that you respect
If setting a healthy boundary severely disrupts a relationship, it may be time to reexamine that relationship
Healthy boundaries are vital for mental health, emotional health, and a strong identity
The Six Types of Boundaries
According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, the following are the six main categories of boundaries:
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include the perimeter around your body. This includes your comfort level with hugs, handshakes, kisses, etc. Physical boundaries can be highly dependent upon cultural and societal expectations.
Sexual boundaries
It’s never okay for anyone to touch you without your consent. Unlike other boundaries, sexual boundaries are often unspoken since they are the rules of society.
Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to the idea that you’re free to have an opinion about anything you want and when you express your opinion, your words shouldn’t be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed. It also includes not talking about certain topics with particular people (e.g., children).
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries refer to the expectation that others support you when you express your emotions. Belittling or invalidating someone’s emotions is an example of an emotional boundary violation. Many people inadvertently invalidate other people’s emotions due to their own discomfort. For example, if you’re feeling sad about a certain situation, they may attempt to minimize your sadness as a way for them to feel like they are “solving” your sadness. It may be helpful during these conversations to let someone know if you are looking for advice or just a listening ear.
Material boundaries
Material boundaries refer to setting limits on who can access your stuff and what condition they need to keep your stuff in. I’m fairly certain most of us were taught to share. Sharing and generosity are admirable traits. However, your possessions deserve to be respected when you do allow someone to borrow your things.
Time boundaries
Time boundaries are the ones that people struggle with the most. How you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests, and how you structure your free time are all examples of time boundaries. In a fast paced and production-focused world, it can be easy to lose sight of how we want to structure our time. It feels impossible to fit in all the things we want to do in the amount of time that we have. Here is where a re-examination of priorities can help you figure out what’s most important and where you can lessen your load to make time for what you love most.
In addition to these six types, I’d argue that there is at least one more category of boundaries: spiritual/religious boundaries. Have you been in a situation where someone comments or questions how you are practicing your religion? I certainly have! While it is encouraged in Islam to nudge other Muslims in the right direction, being on the receiving end of this can feel uncomfortable. Additionally, nudges can often feel judgmental, which is antithetical to Islam. If someone comments or questions your way of practicing religion and it makes you uncomfortable, you could try saying something like this: “I appreciate your desire to guide me in the right direction, but I’ve done my own research and am comfortable with how I practice.” This can feel awkward at first but having these conversations can allow us to co-exist and respect others’ agency in determining how they want to practice their faith and/or spirituality.
Myths about Boundaries
The following are common misconceptions about boundaries and explanations for why these are false:
Boundaries are selfish
When we talk about boundaries, it sounds like we’re only considering one individual’s well-being while ignoring the well-being of others. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth! By taking care of our needs, we’re becoming better versions of ourselves. In becoming better versions of ourselves, we can be better for others. We can be present, engaged, and emotionally balanced in our relationships, which can lead to a ripple effect of positive outcomes.
Boundaries are mean
The language associated with clear, direct, and concise boundary setting can often feel cold. The purpose of this language isn’t to be mean; it’s to communicate your need firmly and directly. We often feel like we are being mean when we set boundaries because we may have received messages that advocating for our needs may make others feel uncomfortable. Therefore, we should ignore our needs for the sake of others. While this sounds selfless and honorable, over time it can deteriorate your mental and emotional health. Dealing with the temporary discomfort of feeling mean is a much better option than experiencing the potential long-term effects of ignoring your needs.
Boundaries conflict with Islam
In Islam, the concepts of the ummah and the needs of the group are highly emphasized. What about the needs of individuals? Based on my experience, personal boundaries are typically not prioritized in culturally Muslim households. How many of you have reluctantly hugged an auntie or uncle as a child? How many of you expressed your needs as a child only to be told you must listen to your elders? Given that personal boundaries weren’t taught to us as children, we may erroneously associate this with the teachings of Islam. However, Surah Al-Hujurat represents a clear example of the importance of boundaries and the struggle that even the Prophet (PBUH) had with setting them. In the first five verses of this Surah, there are explicit rules listed for how believers are to interact with the Prophet (PBUH). What’s important to note is that even the messenger of Allah needed boundaries to be present and engaged with his followers.
Some Caveats
Before ending this post, I wanted to caveat that boundary setting can be extremely complex depending on the situation. Setting boundaries with certain people (e.g., abusers) can be difficult, if not impossible, and even dangerous. Furthermore, complex trauma history can further complicate one’s ability to appropriately set boundaries. If you’ve made a sincere effort to set boundaries and something isn’t working, I’d suggest reaching out to a mental health professional.
Final Thoughts
I hope this post has shed some light on what boundary setting is and is not, how to successfully set a boundary, the different types of boundaries, and how boundaries are important in Islam. Again, I highly recommend reading Set Boundaries, Find Peace, if setting boundaries is a goal of yours and/or you’d like a more in-depth look at boundary setting.
